Life is now.

Life is now.

I’ve been catching my breath for the past year. This month will mark twleve months since I discovered I was pregnant with our sunny Sara. It has been a challenging year.

But if I’m being honest, I’m tired about talking about how challenging my life is, has been, and likely will continue to be. I’m ready for a new story.

Yes, it’s true that I have grieved my mother’s mental illness and the impact it had on my too-short childhood.

Yes, it’s true that I’ve grieved my actual father, the possibility of a father, and the only person I knew who actually acted like my father.

Yes, it’s true that I have survived my first ten years as a wife, though not without fucking up royally in a handful of ways I’m not proud of.

Yes, it’s true that I think being a mom is the most impossible thing I’ll ever be called to do and I often feel suffocated, simultaneously over and underwhelmed to tears.  

Yes, it’s true that I feel the pain of the world in my  beating heart, in the eyes of my children, and my uncomfortable relationship with the god who lives in our collective goodness.

I bet you could say the same. Because really, these stories are our stories aren’t they?

I’m ready to close the book on these stories now. They are true, will always be true, and have carried me this far with mild success.

But, I’m ready for what’s next. I’m ready to step into the next part of my life where I stop being surprised that I’ve made it.

I’m ready to take ownership of the wounds I’ve healed, the hours I’ve spent tending to my own sorrow, and the path I have intentionally forged out of the darkness towards the light.

I’ve done the work. I’m doing the work. And it’s about damn time that I take some responsibility for the life I have created.

I am not surprised anymore. I have built this life with my bare hands, my broken heart, and the best people who have also believed in the possibility of better days.

These are the better days. These have always been the better days.

Stop being surprised. You have survived and you are doing an excellent job. You have built something beautiful. Step into what’s next.

Life is now.

Carmen